Letting go: I'll remember you
by Mickis
Summary: What happened to Cole in between season 5s' 'A witch in time' & 'Sam I am? What made Cole decide to end his life? Something must have pushed him off the edge. There was a big change in him and we never got to find out why.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Charmed. 

**A/N:** _This is my version of what happened between 'A witch in time' and 'Sam I am'. What Cole's thoughts were to Phoebe's boyfriend and why he decided to end his life. I felt he changed a lot between those two episodes and we never really got to find out why. Therefor I pictured this. Maybe it's not the way you pictured it or maybe it is. But that's not important. What's important is Cole's memory. To honour him and the life he lived. The battles he fought for the woman her loved. He sure was something else and the scriptwriters just had to ruin it all, didn't they? _

_Cole Turner - rest in peace._

**INFO:** This story takes place after the 'A witch in time' episode. Later that night at the penthouse.

* * *

**I'LL REMEMBER YOU**

Cole stood at his balcony, leaning against the rail as he gazed with empty eyes into the dark night. The only light was the moon shining down upon San Francisco and the few people that were still awake. Among them he spotted a young couple walking together on the sidewalk. Holding hands as they strolled in the moonlight, side by side. They looked to be in their late 20s'. He couldn't help to think about Phoebe. How could he not? Everything he saw reminded him of her. The night surrounding him, the very penthouse she used to live in, share with him. And now it was nothing but an empty place, with shadows and memories of her. Everything reminded him of her. Even the air he breathed. Everything.

Cole observed the couple as they giggled about something. He faintly heard their laughter echo in the silent night. It was really a beautiful night. But to Cole, nothing seemed beautiful anymore. Not without Phoebe. She had been the light in his life. The daybreak that lit up the endless darkness of his evil world. HIS daybreak, his sunrise. Without her, the world remained forever dark. Even in the brightest of days the shadows still haunted him. Tortured him.

Time had been turned back, he had felt it. He knew it even though no one else knew. His magical powers brought him above everything else, above reality and rules. The time had been turned back and allowed Miles to be killed.

He still couldn't believe it. Phoebe had began to date other people, other men. And she had found love. She had found love in someone other then him. She had done many things to him since he returned from the Wasteland. Said many things to hurt his feelings. But nothing hurt him as much as this. When the warlock from the future showed up at the penthouse and told him about Phoebe falling in love with this Miles, he literally felt his heart breaking.

She had told him many times she was moving on, spelled it out to him loud and clear. But still he didn't really believe it. He believed they belonged together and that eventually she would come to her senses and return to him. He still felt love between them and he thought.. He hoped, that would be enough for them to find their way back to each other and start over.

But as he found out about Miles, all those hopes and dreams were smashed, crushed along with his aching heart. There was no reason for his heart to beat anymore if it couldn't beat for her. The world was too empty without her and he just couldn't handle the pain anymore. He couldn't fight any longer. Everything he had fought for had been destroyed, shattered - like fragile glass.

He felt tears forming in his eyes and as he blinked, a tear escaped the corner of his eye and slid down his cheek. As it reached the end of his chin, it broke free and fell upon his hands, resting on the balcony-rail. He glanced at his tear for a second and then wiped his cheeks as more tears tumbled down. He was defeated. He had lost. He had lost her.

Cole turned around and gazed into his apartment, his empty apartment. He then stepped back into it. He was all alone. He was totally alone. Maybe the warlock was right. Maybe he did turn evil again. Maybe he did become the Source once more. Would it even matter anymore?

Yes, yes it would. Even if Phoebe didn't love him anymore, he didn't want to go back there. He wouldn't allow himself to walk down that path again. The path of evil. But he couldn't walk down THIS path either. Not without Phoebe. There was really nothing left to do, nothing except...

The solution occurred to him. The one thing that could save him from his pain. The one thing that could wake him from the nightmare he was living - He had to end it. He had to end his life.

Without Phoebe by his side, he had nothing left to live for. He had fought so hard, fought for them. But it was all in despair. Phoebe didn't love him anymore and without that, there was nothing left to save. Nothing left to live for. If he went on like this, he feared the temptation of evil would be too hard on him. Without her love, he would be too weak to fight it.

Perhaps this was for the best.

He just had to see her one more time.

He glanced down on his watch to see what time it was. 4:12 am. Phoebe had to be asleep, there was no reason for her to be up now. But maybe that was all for the best. If she was awake she would only push him away. He would have to face her and stare into her cold, empty eyes. He would have to face the truth. That there was no love for him in her eyes anymore. Now that Miles was dead she had probably cried over his death, mourned him.

It was better if she was sleeping. This way, she wouldn't recent his presence. This way she wouldn't stare coldly at him. She would be peacefully asleep and he could almost pretend that none of this had happened. That she still loved him.

Cole wiped the last of his tears away and gathered strength to leave. To go and see her one last time. A few seconds later he shimmered out, leaving the penthouse empty.

Cole appeared in Phoebe's bedroom, a short distance from the foot of her bed. He quickly scanned the room to see if he entered unnoticed. The last thing he needed was being accused of being some stalking peeper. That was not at all his reason for being here. And for someone to barge in here and think that, would just ruin everything. Could he just have this last peaceful moment with Phoebe?

Cole then turned his attention to Phoebe's bed. There she was, sleeping as peaceful like an innocent child. A child without a care in the world. Cole glanced out the window, noticing the sun coming out from its sleep. The day slowly approached and he knew he couldn't stay long. He turned his attention back to Phoebe.

The soothing sound of her steady breath began to ease his strangled tears. It calmed him. It always had. He remembered when they had shared that very same bed. Back then, as they slept side by side and shared a life together.

He remembered nights when he had woken up, gasping. Woken up from a nightmare. They were all about the same thing, his nightmares. Always about Phoebe getting hurt or dying. Nothing else really scared him.

He remembered how he had stared to his left side and how he had found Phoebe sleeping safe and sound next to him. Breathing in and out in the most peaceful way. He remembered how he had calmed down and wiped the sweat off his forehead. How he had moved closer to her, spooning with her and pushed his chest against her back. He remembered how he had placed the covers over them and encircled her with his arms. Keeping her from all those horrible things that harmed her and took her away from him in his dream. He remembered how he had kissed her on her bare shoulder and rested his face on top of her head. How he then had smelled her scent and cuddled up in her hair. He then closed his eyes and relaxed with her in his arms. She was safe, and he was ready to go back to sleep. He remembered how he had fallen asleep, listening to her breathing... in and out.

Cole figured it was time to leave, it felt wrong watching her like this. He turned around to leave as a voice inside of him pleaded with him to stay.

Just a little bit longer, it said.

Cole froze as the sound of his heartbeats drummed inside his head. The vague sound of a car passing by outside, faded as his heartbeats increased with powerful strength. Even when she was unconscious she still managed to make his heart race. Without realising it, he held his breath as he carefully stepped forward. Silently approached the right side of her bed. Her very presence completely enchanted him and he kneeled down right beside her bed. Only inches from her face, her sleeping face that was turned to him.

He observed her beautiful face with amazement. The soft lines of her features. He knew he was far too close for his own good. He knew he was stepping on dangerous ground. But he just couldn't help himself. He felt spellbound, almost.

'Was it all a lie?' Cole thought to himself.

He couldn't help to wonder if all her loving words was nothing but a lie. Some rebellious step to stand up to her two older sisters. Maybe he was just some phase to her. But those times her soft lips had kissed him, it felt nothing at all like an act. It showed no similarities to a lie. But he couldn't help to wonder. The way things were now, he couldn't help to doubt their entire relationship. She meant the world to him, there wasn't a single doubt in his mind about that. But had she felt the same way? Had she really loved him as much as he loved her?

Had they meant anything at all to her? And if they had, how could she just let it end like this? How could she just move on and develop emotions for someone else. How could she love someone else?

Didn't she know how much it hurt him? How it killed him?

Phoebe softly moaned and then unconsciously turned and rested on her back. She stretched out her arm and placed it on the other pillow on the opposite side of the bed, her palm facing upwards. She brought her other hand up to her face as her fingers barely touched her skin. Her breaths turned heavier again as she fell deeper and deeper asleep.

Cole watched the palm of her hand, followed the lines of it with his teary eyes. Those sweet hands had once reached out for his. They had once enfolded his hands and caressed his body. Driving him insane with their desiring touch. Would those hands ever miss it? Would they ever miss him?

God, he wished they would. That maybe, further ahead, she would miss him and the life they shared. The time they had together. Because he did. Every minute of his life, he missed her. He missed those loving hands and caring words. He missed the life that was cruelly snatched away from them. The life she wanted to move on from. Every beat of his heart missed it.

Cole then looked upon her closed eyes. They were so relaxed. Every line on her face was soft and relaxed.

He remembered when he had gazed into her deep, beautiful dark-brown eyes. A feeling of falling - falling down a steep cliff always washed over him as he met her eyes. And yet, he had never felt safer in his entire life. Back then, her eyes had told him words sweeter then the softest melody. Just by her looking at him, he knew how much she loved him. That couldn't have been a lie. Because the way she used to look at him then, filled his entire body with love.

But that was the way she USED to look at him. Before they were separated and everything fell apart. Before their life slipped through his hands and evil once again clouded his world. Before the Source took him over and evil locked him inside a dark, cold room. Alone in the room he stood and called for her to hear him. Called for Phoebe to help him. But it was out of his hands. It was out of his control. His fate had made a turn he wasn't able to stop.

Then a breeze entered the room. Her window was open and a wind came through it. Phoebe's eyebrows frowned as the wind passed by her. She was cold and her covers only reached to beneath her chest.

Cole slowly grabbed her covers and reached it up to her shoulders where he carefully placed it around her body to keep her warm.

As Cole's hands swiftly nudged her body he thought back to the times when he had explored it. When her petite body was his to hold. When she wanted him as much as he wanted her. As much as he needed her.

There were nights where they hadn't slept at all. They were too busy with each other. As the sun came up and shine upon them in bed, they used to embrace each other and watch the sunset together. Just treasuring the moment and thanking the heavens for having each other. For being together.

She had introduced him to a world he didn't even know about. A world of love and happiness. A world where unbelievable feelings and emotions swallowed him and overpowered his life.

When she entered his life the entire sky lit up and he saw things he never suspected was there. Her love had waken feelings inside him, feelings he never knew existed. Feelings he thought were gone for good. There were parts in him that had come to life as she first kissed him. Parts he knew nothing about. Parts that craved for her, emotions that clouded his mind and thoughts that filled his head. All those parts longed for her in a way that was completely foreign to him.

Her love had broken through the strong wall of his prison and entered the dark world where he lived. Her love fought off the evil that surrounded him and approached him in the darkness. He had lived there alone for over a century and she had changed it all. Just by loving him. She had reached out her hand to him and he had reached out to take it. At first, he didn't want to accept it. She was a witch and he was a demon. But time told him how much he needed that hand. Time made him realise that he would fight against anything for that hand. For HER hand. So he grabbed it in his and she lead him out of his dark, lonely world. She introduced him to a life of good and happiness. A life where evil couldn't reach through. Since that day, he had done anything in his power to hold on to her hand. Now that he had found it, there was no way he would let it go.

Then, an evil more powerful than any evil he had ever come across before, knocked on their door. The evil pulled him the hardest it could and he desperately tried to hold on to her hand. But this evil was too strong. He grew tired and felt her hand slowly slipping away from his grip. Finally he lost her. They were separated and evil billed up another fortress around him to trap him. He had lost her hand and the fortress was too strong for him to reach back to her hand again.

Then Phoebe and her sisters vanquished the evil and destroyed the fortress. They freed him from the darkness and he desperately looked for her hand. He had felt so lost without it and he had to find her again. He had to find her hand and let her lead him to the light once more.

But this time, Phoebe drew back her hand, Out of fear, she didn't want to grab it again. No matter how far he reached she wouldn't take his hand. She just backed further and further away. In the end, he found himself alone again, alone as his hand desperately still searched for hers. But it was so hard to find it. He was lost and it was so dark.

Finally, he gave up on finding her hand. She had found someone else's and their time had passed. Despair engulfed his world and this is where he lived today. Alone and depressed.

Cole felt a tear slide down his face as he thought back over their life. As he remembered what he had lost. What he couldn't live without.

He carefully reached out with his hand and moved it up to her face. He knew that he shouldn't, but he had to. He had to do it. He then followed the lines of her soft face as more tears escaped and ran down his sore cheeks. With the gentle touch of his hand, he memorised every part of her face. The feeling of her skin overwhelmed him and the lump in his throat burned more intense. Almost choking his breath.

"Goodbye.." Cole whispered quietly as he felt her skin on his fingertips, this one last time.

He then drew back his hand and closed his eyes tight in agony. This was it. This was the end.

He took a deep breath to gather all of his remaining strength. He then rose slowly to his feet and opened his eyes. He stared down upon her as she slept as peaceful as when he had first entered the room. She didn't have the slightest idea he was here. She would never know of this moment and it filled his heart with sorrow.

Cole then backed away from her bed, unsteady steps leading him further and further away from the woman he loved. It was so hard. Every fibre in his bode yearned for her and wanted to rush up to her and take her in his arms. Embrace her and place endless kisses all over her. But he couldn't. It was over and he had to go. He had to leave.

Finally he stood at the same spot he had appeared in. A few feet away from the foot of her bed. He watched her as she slept and the sun had grown so strong that its light rested upon her peaceful, beautiful face. The face he would forever treasure inside of him. Always. No matter what happened to him now, he would never forget her. Never.

"I'll always love you.." Cole said softly as his tears started coming harder. Soon they'd be out of his control. They'd be out of his power and sobs would escape his throat. He had to leave before that happened. He couldn't risk her waking up.

Cole slowly turned around to face away from her. He wouldn't be able to leave her if he saw her. He wouldn't be able to do it then. To keep his emotions in control. To keep them inside of him.

Cole closed his eyes and dried a few more of his tears with his left hand. As he did, he felt an cold object nudging his face. He opened his eyes and brought his hand out in front of him. It was his ring. His wedding ring. The ring in which she had promised him eternal love. He stretched his fingers to get a better look of his beautiful jewellery. It was the most beautiful object he had ever seen. The most important gift he had ever received.

He reached out with his right hand and touched the surface of the ring with his fingers. He gently placed his thumb and index finger and slowly spun it around. Admiring its power and meaning. Treasuring its memory.

Cole then looked up and stared out the window. It was a new day. His last day had began and he had much to do. He had a plan and standing here wouldn't help anyone. Phoebe could wake up any minute and he had to get started.

He carefully let go of the his wedding ring and rested his arms beside his body. Then he gathered the very last of his strength by thinking of Phoebe. Of what they used to have and why he did this.

Cole then shimmered out of Phoebe's bedroom. Leaving her alone to face the morning and the new day.

Phoebe had no idea of what had happened during the sunrise. She had no idea of who had sat beside her bed and whispered aching words and she never would. She had no clue of what the day would bring her. Of what Cole had in store for her and her sisters. She slept as peaceful as before, as the world around her began to wake up. But she had no idea...


End file.
